Numb

Something tells me to go on. To believe in that things happen for a reason. I tell myself life is more than facts and dates, more than words and books... I tell myself that thing always get better and that every thing has a purpose to make me learn how to live life to the best of my abilities. I try to understand how to be myself in a world that pleasing others is as important to succeed.

I can't stop thinking of the things I've done wrong, of the things I've spoiled, of the things that will never be the same because I didn't do my best. I try to tell myself that if they are ruined it is because it was supposed to happen, but what if they didn't... What if they were meant to grow into something even better and somehow my actions destroyed the path? I try not to feel remorse and try to fix them... but sometimes fixing it is not enough and there is nothing anyone can do to bring them back to how they were.

I try to feel smart, capable, and accountable for all my actions but there is this emptiness inside me that eats my soul and brings me down to my lowest. It's a place of memories, pain and suffering, it's a place of grays and question marks that comes to its boiling point every time I let the shield down. Keeping it up all the time isn't the solution either. I wish I could but I know I would shut so many great people out of my life I would end up alone anyways.